an apology

 there’s something selfish about grief over a death. Part of you sympathizes with the family, part of you — it may be the greater part– shifts to ‘what if it was me who lost someone?’ Then the grief just shifts to fear. Then you get a grip of yourself & you feel selfish.

While at work on the Thursday shift (maybe between 1am & 3) I was browsing through my brother’s Facebook friends list. I saw my niece, Ponjap. I looked at her photo & I weighed the question whether to add her or not.

I chose not to, because we haven’t talked in such a long time…

That’s such a lame reason. Made even lame-er by the fact that she passed away.

They told me she died at 1pm yesterday. I only found out tonight.

I don’t know how to process this information & I feel guilty of this inability to mourn.

But the fact remains. I love her.
And maybe, just maybe, that’s all that counts.

~when you’re gone, the pieces of my heart are missing too~