crack [caution:20corny jokes stuffed in this narrative]

 *     *     *

Hey. How y’all doin’ tonight? Nice…nice…sige simulan na natin ‘tong kalokohan na ‘toh. (Crowd cheers)

Mangyari po lamang na… (Takes off hat) ipasa sa katabi… ano man pong halaga ay malaking bagay na sa amin. Although, I gotta warn you, that hat is tethered together by a very brittle material so it prefers bills.

Ladies & gents, paper money lamang po. Yep, that’s what you get from putting on a head-to-toe outfit that’s made in China.

What was that? Isn’t everything? Right, right, every fucking thing is made in China. You know why labor’s so cheap there huh? ‘Coz only the  businessmen can do math, rest of ‘em just takes their hard-earned cash & use their payslips as toilet paper.

Slit-eyed people don’t like to look at numbers so much. Makes them dizzy.

Hey, you in the pink shirt… don’t think I didn’t see that. Punk ass putting 2 Ninoys in the hat… It’s a large amount, I know. I ‘preciate that…pero pare ilayo mo naman yang yosi mo. (In a low, serious voice)

One false move, you’ll incinerate that in a millisecond. Don’t make me go all the way back to Divisoria for that. At babayaran mo rin lahat ng laman nyan. You would’ve owed me one thousand & twenty. One thou and twenty.

(Crowd settles) Cheap motherfuckers.

(Roar)

Sa mga napadpad lang dito, nayaya ng kaibigan…napilitan… let me re-introduce myself. I’m Kettie. My real name is Catherine with a C. I don’t know why that’s important with people you know? I’m a walking cliche, I’ve worked for call centers before. Callers would get your name…How should it matter. Yes sir, it’s Catherine with a C as in Chicharon, not K as in Kwek-kwek. You, pretty lady err…faggot in the magenta fused with neon green & electric blue eye shadow…what’s you’re name honey?

‘Marciano.’

(Crowd applauds)

Ok, Marciano… pretty decent…decent name. how are your parents?

‘Not here.’ — ‘Yeah, you murdered them, I reckon.’

(Crowd jeers)

Anong karapatan nilang pangalanan ka ng Marciano?! Right? That’s how you felt when you…came out? Haha.

So now, you’re Marsha, I suppose, or…what’s your metamorphosal name? –Is that even a word? metamorphosal?

‘Beyonce’

(Claps & agrees w/ the audience)

You know, the common Filipina mother has discovered …that any name…any name can be attached with Lyn as a suffix.

Analyn, Jennylyn, Edu…Edolyn. –Yep, I had a classmate named Edolyn.

They’d even go as far as mock extremely Western names. Amandalyn, Nicolyn, Oprahlyn.

Sounds like a drug, right? Some sort of itch cream or something.

And, no matter how dark-skinned their children are, they’d name him Scott. Or Douglas. Teacher would call out names, kid would say ‘Present.’ She’d do a double-take & shake her head thinking…Oh dear, you look more like a Gudo to me, yes. Or Pedring, that’s a good name.

Makes you think of a kid with no front teeth & ears stickin’ out like mad.

(Drinks water)

I was stuck in a traffic jam one time.  Ok, I’ve been stuck several times, we all have…oh, man. Ok, do over. What I meant was, at one time of the many times I’ve been stuck on the road I saw this billboard…No, not a billboard, just a tarpaulin advertisement. The ad said: VulcaSeal …the official sealant of the PBA. I thought, what the fuck? I would understand Gatorade, or somesuch…

I’m looking for coherence. I mean, what? They use VulcaSeal to patch up a beaten basketball? Or the sports complex that the PBA plays in is maintained by the sponsoring sealant? I don’t know…I just don’t see how it’s the official sumthin’ sumthin.

Everywhere, every corner, the facade of  small business establishments, every lamp post, you can see tarpaulin ads. And let me tell you, that if there was a poll for countries who understand the concept of reusing or recycling? Pilipinas na number one.

I once sat …on Lauren Legarda’s face.

I shit you not, it was tacked onto a tricycle seat. Probably an old banner from past elections.

And this year, this year I saw a poster I mistook for a Starstruck contestant. You know how they put up posters with instructions on how to vote via text… Bullshit reality tv stuff like that. But no, it wasn’t. As the car got nearer, I almost laughed my ass off. It was Loren, yet again. Loren friggin Legarda in a plain white tee & with lip gloss on & that same tack-on smile.

You notice how she talks on tv? She pauses after every once in a while, like she’s getting her photo taken every 5 seconds.

Mommies if you want your child to become president, don’t let ‘em study Political Science. Oh, that’s a no-no. It’ll suck the charisma outta them. Three routes, three easy routes that will guarantee him the Hot Seat of this Republic: Showbiz, Journalism… & comedy.

They’re all clowns up there. Fuckin’ politicians, well, we’re not laughin’!

You’ve been great, thank you everyone…

Hey Beyonce, what say you give me that hat back. You can’t get a boob job with that money. Just kidding, you’re really rockin’ that eye shadow. You go, girl.

G’night everyone!

road rage [passengers, not drivers]

 And then the most pathetic retort escaped the driver: ‘Wala na kayong awa.’

To which the officer replied, handing him a ticket: ‘You can see the sign, no loading/unloading.’ Which, of course, is true.

That happened at the Rosario bridge.

So I wasn’t so surprised when he again was pulled over for the same offense when we approached Meralco. Again, the same lame excuse, ‘The guy was so fast, he jumped right in, you know I had to slow down.’

The obvious truth was that he accomodated the would-be passenger.

What’s the rate now for that type of violation? I’m don’t know but I’m sure as hell it wouldn’t be paid off by the two passengers he got along with the misdeed.

Punk-ass driver. Serves him right. It’s a good thing I wasn’t late for work, though.
[Would’ve made my day to see him get a third one].

*     *     *

…nearly fractured my funny bones

Lee Evans, among those I’ve seen (& it’s a limited range, mind you), tops the chart for well rounded stand-up comedians. And minimal allusion to sexual content, at that. On one show, he doesn’t even disparage, or mention a celebrity–that, for me, earns him extra points. Sure you’ve seen Eddie Murphy, Chris Rock, Russel Peters; they’re all very entertaining. What sets Evans apart is that he’s very animated onstage and he can seem very British dropping lines like: ‘Seatbelts can be very temperamental, you know…” and doubt how he can turn something as common as that, into something entertaining.

It’s amazing how these people can go onstage & seem to never run out of material & out of pace. They could very well be anthropologists with an extra gift for humor; they babble on about things that we’re familiar with. Theirs is the craft of pulling stories & experiences & observations and retelling it with the right pause, or gesture, or voice. It’s a skill. It’s sheer genius.

Other clowns to check out: Rex Navarrete & Edwin San Juan–they’ve got the FilAm life down to a science. They hit the mark & the Pinoys, quasi-Pinoys (& lovers of the Pinoy culture) form much of their fan base.

I’ll leave you with Mr. Evans here:

soaked albums & recipes, in search of duplicates

Back in the day, mom would have exclusive access to the tv remote when NegoSiyete is on. She’d have her spiral notebook & pen in hand. I even helped her jot down the recipes. What called this to mind was my search for simple Pinoy Recipes on the net. I intend to cook on weekends. Yep, this girl who can barely boil rice into perfection is going to attempt a kitchen invasion of sorts. I tried making Chicken Afritada once, I couldn’t tell if it was any good.

I miss my mom. If there were two things that could get us all excited, it’d be either food & cooking, OR, disparaging my brother’s girlfriend (now ex-gf, thank God).

Speaking of recipes, what that darn Reming took from us, apart from Mom’s guide to baking Burnt Sugar Cake, among other masterpieces,– were our childhood photos.

Mom said she would try & check with our kindergarten school headmaster ‘Mrs. Manuel’ if we can get copies of our photos at school, from events/programs & whatnots. I was psyched about that. I can still remember Ate Tin & Carol at kindergarten ages. Gotta admit, we were a cute bunch.

[One time, mom never came to pick me up, so Mrs Manuel asked me to join them at lunch. Mom eventually came & said she forgot to pick me up. I cannot tag that as negligence, I just think she genuinely didn’t notice the time]

As for the lost recipes, I’m proud to report that Mom has taken to online surfing. I so envy them at home, having unlimited net connections & all. Ah, but I guess that’s best. I wouldn’t have any work done anyway.

I miss everyone at home. But when I’m there, I feel like I’m just on vacation, & a part of me looks forward to returning to work. I hate that feeling. I guess the pace of MM is just eating away my want for a calm & less smoggy living space.

karmic energy will toast your butts off

Famine is the pre-payday week where you will yourself to get budget meals for lunch but fail. I fail each time I upsize my drink to a float. Or the cashier succeeds in upselling a sundae cone.

Little financial injustices happen to me at the most convenient times–on famine days.

Case A: I got myself a nice cold pineapple drink from a convenience store before going to the Fat Happy Bee; assuming that if I ordered a meal minus the drinks, I would get it for less. Turns out, you have to pay the same advertised price even if you’re not getting drinks with that. That’s a lot of bullshit, but I don’t know, I have a weak radar for these things, I just said ok. But the entire time I was eating my burger, at each bite it was getting more & more un-delicious. I’ve been had. And I don’t like it.

Case B: Now this is fucked up. I’ve been swindled & I didn’t even know it until a month later when the electricity bill came in with arrears! Our  motherfuckin’ monthly bill is always less than PhP200, what a shame to not have paid that. But the thing is, I did pay it. The problem was, I did not notice that the bill was not electronically stamped. In my defense, I trusted the staff entirely because they were Western motherfuckin’ Union inside a freakin’ mall. Ah but it’s too late, and I wasn’t as vigilant. Oh well.

Case C - unrelated: At the RedHead Bigfeet Clown, I was standing in line & I felt something in my back. It was a little boy’s shoe, her mom was carrying him. So I thought, ok, I’ll let that pass. Now, when it was my turn to place my order, the witch rushes past me & starts talking to the cashier. I make a face, the cashier catches it & she acknowledges me. I turn to the lady & say: You were behind me, right? And I place my order. When she heard me say it’s for take-out, she mumbles under her breath. I wanted to scream at her & tell her that I was in this (normally) dine-in line because the Take-out counter on the other side was closed. Holy mother of fuck. On any given day, I would’ve let the injustice occur, but I was famished & I was getting late… Okay, maybe that’s not a good excuse, but c’mon…just because she’s older & was probably getting food for the child, line cutting is just NOT nice. Not nice at all.

Wow, the longest posts I have are either complaints or preachy editorials. 

It’s just one of those days… 

liz lemon’s alter

…My parents, for somehow raising me to have confidence that is disproportionate with my looks & abilities… Well done, that is what all parents should do. ~Tina Fey’s 2008 Emmy Acceptance Speech

shouldn’t be rocket science

Liz Lemon wakes up to find a toaster waffle in her DVD drive.

Jack: You’re clear for approach. (& they embrace)

  *     *     *

When you do get the chance, watch Rocket Science. It’s a good coming of age flick with young, surprisingly good actors. I wonder if Lorelai Gilmore can talk as fast?

The title is from Hal’s closing quote that understanding life and love “shouldn’t be rocket science”

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Note to Veto ® : Download — Assassination of a High School President

*     *     *

Just this afternoon before leaving for the office, I had an odd deja vu. Not the regular kind, but the one that’s sort of a double deja vu. It was a feeling that I had deva -vu-d the same thing before: Harry Connick Jr. guested on Oprah & Ate Tin was asking me a question.

Creepy.

*EGOT - Emmy, Golden Globe, Oscar & Tony.

jammed

i prefer to bathe in water, not in vehicle exhausts.

thirty-nine [& thirty-seven]

The Bell Jar copy I bought is missing pages 74 through 106.

There’s a chance, a very slim chance, that we might be called in to report for training in the U.K. I’ll finally have my photo taken with a beefeater. I’ll have to think up a nasty pose. Haha!

degenerate losers

…Like most men…Most of them are just animals, you know, they have no imagination, they’re barely human. Without imagination you sink back into your physical body, you become bestial, stupid, fixed on one idea…You degenerate. You really do, you sink back. You regress. The season for mating takes no imagination, it’s all direct, physical, it’s impersonal, but after that life is all imagination…and…most men don’t have that capacity. That’s why they are impotent–most men. ~Marthe in Crossing the Border by Joyce Carol Oates

Men are pathetic.

Don’t get me started on gay people. If they’re your friend you love ‘em; but if they’re strangers they can get obnoxius.

viva la vida

It was right then that I started thinking about Thomas Jefferson on the Declaration of Independence and the part about our right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And I remember thinking how did he know to put the pursuit part in there? That maybe happiness is something that we can only pursue and maybe we can actually never have it. No matter what. How did he know that?   ~Christopher Gardner in The Pursuit of Happyness

Common knowledge: the world is a fucked up place. The rich & famous will get to that point in their lives when they will envy the common man’s privacy & anonymity; whereas, three quarters of the world is drooling over money & fame. We will always be in a state of malcontent. How many more celebrities & daughters of tycoons & biz moguls, wasting their lives away–publicly–, do we have to endure? And why, as a common onlooker, do we feast on them & their private lives? All boils down to the phenomenon of malcontent, of boredom. A need branches out & become wants. Abundance is flaunted, thrift is not a way to live, not if you’re a celebrity. $20,000 plane rides, & dinners, & apparel. Don’t tell me you pay that price for quality & comfort; in fact, the price is tagged on superfluity. I believe the law of conspicuous consumption should be studied under Psychology, as it is studied by economists.

We are insatiable. We can only pursue happiness. Maybe we can’t HAVE it, because our nature denies us to claim it. Perhaps, at the end of it all, we don’t deserve to be happy.

thought clouds; puff puff

I can’t believe that Vera Wang is 60. It’s a good thing she maintains that insanely straight jetblack hair.

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For your comedic dose today, check out The Dumbest Things Beauty Queens Have Ever Said here.

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I hate Blake Lively. Only because she’s abnormally gorgeous.

 

the veto tour project

Itinerary for my target 5-day vacation with Veto R

Cagsawa Ruins
Lignon Hill
Spring resorts/pool
Gaisano, Embarcadero, LCC
Buraguis, Chapel
San Mig islands
Spring resorts, night swimming

Colonial Grill & Gasthof
Biggs Diner
Small Talk cafe

Ask momma to cook:

Pancit Bato
Dinuguan
Prospas/lugaw
Sotanghon
Paksiw na Pata

Visit these campuses & if we are denied admission to the premises, pretend to be a couple inquiring on their child’s possible enrollment:

DWCL
BU
University Homes

flippin’ pages, munch punch, & whatever else

Poor budgeting skills equals no Alice in Wonderland [3D] treat this weekend. I’ll just have to endure people around me buzzing about it, FB posts quoting the Red Queen, etc.

The Hours|Michael Cunningham @ P45

My Life in France|Julia Child @P10 (yes, a meager ten pesos for a hardbound edition)

The Bell Jar|Sylvia Plath @P115

Bummer, I only have enough moolah for sustenance. I wish i could just flip a switch in my body & I won’t need food to function.

Shop name: Hearts & Crafts - HNC.

We had dinner at the Colonial Grill. It’s fast becoming one of my fave munch punches because of the Tinutong-flavored ice cream. [I still have to muster enough gastronomic courage to try the Malunggay-flavored & the Sili-flavored ice cream. negotiations with my taste buds are underway]

*     *     *

(I also got this dyslexia on this name: Ross Gavindale ~ Gavin Rossdale) lol!

I just love the Robert Downey Jr. - Tina Fey presentors partner-up.

*     *     *

Mom baked banana cake topped with almonds AND walnuts (nuts purchased in Qatar possibly shipped from elsewhere & brought here by Ate Tin. my new friends at the office loved it. Too bad we didn’t have enough time; I told Mom I’d teach her how to blog. It’d be cool for her to post about her baking powers, I just tipped her to never reveal her secrets

V (R) loved mom’s banana cake! yey.

*     *     *

Back to work, err… training… err… Free surfing minus the *goodstuff.

* otherwise known as Facebook.

Tatou trivia

 French actress Audrey Tatou is in the habit of photographing every reporter who interviews her.

Tautou turned around, pulled a small camera out of her bag and told the assembled scribes: “I hope you don’t mind, but I do this with every interview. So I can remember.”

She took the photo, smiled and waved goodbye.
Source: The Straits Times, Singapore/Asia News Network

I think that makes her a very grounded person. I love these little details with celebs. Let’s not get sucked into the maelstrom of Hollywood’s fame+fortune formula.Really, I cannot, for the life of me, decipher why the general public is interested with Paris Hilton’s diamond-studded car or whatnot. back then, the real celebs were ‘artists’ & icons & people whoactually contributed something significant. But I digress…

Tatou was also quoted saying,“The attention was painful, like a tumour. As for the movies, I knew that I had to make the right choices – and that meant not doing what was expected of me,” after Amelie’s success & the onslaught of public attention. I just loved Amelie…and am easily falling in love with Audrey too.

i maintain that men are just sub-species & women are the real homo sapiens

if your name is Ramon & your last name is B–, & we’re acquainted…congratulations, you’re the exception to the rule.

malleable

From E.L Doctorow’s editorial (2004)|Easthampton Star

 The president we get is the country we get. With each president the nation is conformed spiritually. He is the artificer of our malleable national soul. He proposes not only the laws but the kinds of lawlessness that govern our lives and invoke our responses. The people he appoints are cast in his image. The trouble they get into, and get us into, is his characteristic trouble. Finally, the media amplify his character into our moral weather report: he becomes the face of our sky, the conditions that prevail. 

~I’m not a registered voter. At age 24, that’s really embarrassing. But this here is a very good piece & my man Doctorow has got it down to a science. read the full article here.

the weekend flick weather report

The flicks we copied from Ate Tin’s Dell Inspiron mini were a disaster. If you’re flippin’ through DVDs I warn you not to even bother with I Love You, Beth Cooper & Four Christmases.

Ok, I’ve reached my quota on complaining.
Over & out.